A sense of Humour
Welcome to the funny page
Need a giggle, a burst of laughter,
shake your head by the nonsense of it?
Than this page might be for you.
Well, it seems this page is mostly observed by women, but it's still amusing, no offence!
If you have any role reversal jokes, send them in, too!
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Heaven or Hell?
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill,
it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he
got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never
been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
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This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year! A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners. And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 01P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, Vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 He began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, Breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 09 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, Which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
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Transcendental Meditation
A mouse was sitting under a tree next to a pasture, his little back legs crossed akimbo, and front legs outstretched with paw curled
in tiny circles.
He emitted a soft drone of, "Ooommm, Ooommm, Ooommm".
After a while, the cow in the pasture decided to inquire about what the
mouse was up to, and came over to the tree. "Tell me, mouse,
just what are
you doing there?"
"Transcendental Meditation", replied the mouse between "Ooommm's". "I seek
to reach a heightened level of spiritual awareness
through a combination of
focused contemplation and these repeated vocalizations".
"Is it working for you?", inquired the cow.
"Nothing yet, but I continue to stretch my mind in hopes of success!",
asserted the mouse.
The cow started to walk away, thinking to himself how his own ruminations
had led to a deep sense of peace and fulfillment.
Then a thought came to him and he turned back to the mouse and said, "Maybe you're saying it backwards!"
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Ever wonder how a Woman's Brain works?
It's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of these little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man, of course, has only 2 balls - and they take up all his thoughts.
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Pharmacology
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naxproxen,
Amoxil is also called Amoxillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs', and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with them.
(If you don't send this to at least five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world).
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9 Words Women use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and
hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says"Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.
DO NOT say "you're welcome", that will bring on a "whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying up yours!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true
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JOKE OF THE MONTH
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first surgeon said "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything is colour-coded."
The fourth said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon said, "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
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Funeral
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.
Whose funeral is it?'
The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Join the queue'
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Jokes that can be told in church don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!' and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' |
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Bab's Night out
And here some from my friend's site: http://fxgalore.blogspot.com/
This is a picture of Will caught chop lifting at the local butcher's.
"I have nothing in my handbag, honest!"
Will as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
